A Backwards Relationship?

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There used to be a time when a man and a woman would fall in love with each other.  After falling in love, they would continue to date each other.  Dating would eventually lead to marriage.  After getting married, the children would start to come into the family.

The order is:
1. Fall in Love
2. Date
3. Get Married
4. Have a Child

Even little children understand that this is the proper order for developing a relationship:

Brian and Tasha sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

While this is the natural order for creating a relationship and having a family, it is becoming all too common to have children before getting married.  The order that seems to be more common in today’s society is:

1. Have a Child
2. Get Married
3. Date
4. Fall in Love

Maybe these backwards relationships are partially responsible for the current breakdown of marriages and families.  Study after study has confirmed that children thrive best when their environment consists of positive relationships with both their mother and their father.  One way for couples to ensure that their children have the best environment available is to follow the proper steps in creating a relationship.

As we work to preserve marriage we should share our thoughts with those whom we love.  After falling in love, encourage others to date, then get married, then have children.

Dating After Marriage

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Can you recall the last time you went out on a date with your spouse?  Do you remember what you did on that date?  How often do you go out together (without the kids)?

Dating is an important element for maintaining and strengthening a marital relationship.  When I am working with couples in marriage counseling, I will often ask how often they are going out on dates.  Most of the couples that I see in my office have gotten out of practice of having meaningful dates with each other; hence, their lack of continued courtship is one of the contributors to why they are not as happy in their marriage as they used to be.

Think back to when you first met your spouse and first started dating each other.  (Hopefully you were able to have a courtship and not “forced” to date and get married because of a pregnancy, etc.).  When you were first dating each other, you probably spent a lot of time together.  Both of your lives may have been busy depending on the circumstances, but you still made it a priority to spend necessary time with each other.  Even if it was just on the phone for 10 minutes, you made an effort.

During this time, the relationship was a priority.  You recognized the importance of spending time together.  You knew that it was important to have fun with this other person as that would help to strengthen the relationship. Because the relationship was a priority, it continued to develop.   You were aware that if you continued to date this person, and if your feelings continued to get stronger for him or her, you would eventually end up getting married.

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So what often happens after marriage?  Whether it is kids, work, school, or just everyday life, spending time together and dating becomes less of a priority.  Having fun with your buddies or girl friends might start to take precedence over having fun with your spouse.  You don’t communicate as often because you don’t spend as much time together.

Stop letting your marriage take a back seat to other aspects of your life.  Go out regularly with your spouse.  Have fun.  Talk with each other.  Date!

Dating will often help to facilitate more positive communication between husband and wife.  When out on a date, husband and wife should be talking and interacting with each other.  For this reason, when husbands and wives go out on dates, I encourage them to do something that is interactive and not passive (like a movie).  Go to a restaurant, go play miniature golf, play a board game at home, read a marriage blog together.  Whatever you do, make sure that you are able to interact with each other.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Because of communication, spending time together, and having fun, dating strengthens the friendship between a husband and wife.  Marriage relationships that are built on sex, convenience, power, or passion will not stand the test of time.  On the other hand, marriages that are built on friendship will have a foundation that is able to support the normal ups and downs that come from life.

Lastly, dating not only breathes life into the relationship but it can serve as a recharger in order to face life’s responsibilities.  Whether it is a break from taking care of the home and children, or a break from work, spending that time together can be rejuvenating to the relationship as well as to the individual.

I encourage you to date your spouse regularly (once a week is kind of the gold standard).  Dating regularly will help improve your communication; it will strengthen the friendship you have with each other; and it will better prepare you for taking on life’s responsibilities.

To read my post on inexpensive at-home dates, go here.

Recognizing God’s Hand in Your Marriage

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Those who know me know that I am a God fearing man.  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon).  A few years ago one of the leaders of my church shared a principle that has greatly influenced my life.  He talked about the importance of remembering God’s hand in our lives.  I believe that these principles can also apply to our marriages.

This story was told by Henry B. Eyring, and can be found in the November 2007 Ensign from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I came home late from a Church assignment. It was after dark. My father-in-law, who lived near us, surprised me as I walked toward the front door of my house. He was carrying a load of pipes over his shoulder, walking very fast and dressed in his work clothes. I knew that he had been building a system to pump water from a stream below us up to our property.

 

He smiled, spoke softly, and then rushed past me into the darkness to go on with his work. I took a few steps toward the house, thinking of what he was doing for us, and just as I got to the door, I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”

 

I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.

 

I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

 

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

I firmly believe that God wants us to be happy in our marriages.  I also know that he blesses us in our marriages often without even our asking.  He does this because he loves us.

In the story, Henry B. Eyring talked about writing things down where he recognized the Lord’s hand in his life or the life of his family.  I love how he said that “trying to remember (the things God had done) had allowed God to show [him] what He had done.  If this is true, and if it is also true that God wants our marriages to succeed, than he will have his hand in our marriages.

My challenge to you is to look at your life regularly and observe how the Lord has helped you in your marriage that particular day.

Focusing on the Positive

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Imagine you are experiencing a gorgeous sunset. It is a picturesque moment and you happen to have your camera with you. You grab your camera and your best lens. You are hurrying so as not to miss this moment. You get everything put together, and then look through the camera to get ready to snap your award winning picture. As you look through the lens, everything is blurry.

So what was the problem? The picture that you saw was blurry; the actual scene must have changed right? If the scene didn’t change, then maybe you were doing something wrong? The truth is, the camera was not focusing on what it needed in order to have a great picture.

All too often, I think we look at our marriages with a problem focused lens making the real picture seem blurry or obscured. Yes our spouses have flaws. Yes they make mistakes. But if we make those things our focus, the marriage becomes blurry.

I am not asking you to ignore the problems. There may be things that need to be addressed with your spouse, your marriage, or with yourself. What I am asking is for you to change your focus. Look for ways your spouse helps instead of ways that he/she doesn’t. Catch him/her doing something good instead of getting in trouble again.

Try this example. Take a piece of paper and hold it two inches from the end of your nose. What do you see? A piece of paper, right? What else do you see? Not much, because that paper obstructs almost everything else you could be seeing.

Now move the paper six inches away from your face. Are you able to see more now? Keep moving the paper farther and farther until you place the paper on the other side of the room. What do you see now? What else do you see? The paper, when it is on the other side of the room is still visible, but it has been put into perspective.

Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When you focus on a problem with your spouse, or within your marriage, you prevent yourself from seeing the bigger picture. Take a step back and change your focus. Look for positive aspects of your spouse, your marriage, and yourself instead of the problems.

You have got the perfect sunset (okay, okay, maybe it isn’t perfect, but it is still beautiful). As soon as you grab your camera and look through the lens, you notice that it is blurry. Instead of giving up, instead of feeling hopeless, instead of not trying, you change the focus on the lens and snap the picture that you knew already existed.

Marriage Quotes by LDS Prophets and Apostles

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Here are a few quotes that I found about marriage from LDS prophets and apostles.  If you know of other good quotes, please let me know.

Marvin J. Ashton

True love is a process.  True love requires personal action (Ensign, Nov. 1975, 108).

Ezra Taft Benson

If we would truly seek to be more like our Savior and Master, learning to love as He loves should be our highest goal (Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 275).

Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust and peace (Ensign, July 1992, 3).

Henry B. Eyring

At the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command! ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.  That union in love is not simply an ideal.  It is a necessity (Ensign, May 1998, 66).

James E. Faust

Happiness in marriage and parenthood can exceed a thousand times any other happiness (Ensign, Nov. 1977, 11)

Gordon B. Hinckley

There cannot be peace where there is not trust; there cannot be freedom where there is not loyalty (Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 66).

A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion (Ensign, May 1991).

Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have (Ensign, Aug. 1992, 6).

Howard W. Hunter

Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife (Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51).

Spencer W. Kimball

Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.  This is within the reach of every couple, every person. (Ensign, Mar.  1977, 33-34)

There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love (President Kimball Speaks Out, 2).

“Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price (Devotional address given at Brigham Young University on September 7, 1976, found at http://speeches.byu.edu/ ).

Do not pray to marry the one that you love, but to love the one that you marry.

Neal A. Maxwell

Perfect love is perfectly patient (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 69).

Facebook Affairs

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Published on March 6, 2012 by John R. Buri, Ph.D. in Love Bytes from the Psychology Today website.

Jill never intended to do it.

She was simply chatting on Facebook one night when she decided to check out Jack—her first love from back in high school.

She had often wondered (in the back of her mind) what he had ended up doing with his life, so she posted on his wall.

As it turns out, Jack was more than happy to reconnect.

Read more…